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bladesparkSo these days I'm pagan as FUCK (although I have seen Hellenists pedant that pagan means something very specific and shouldn't apply to them/us, and anyhow it's been used as a slur, and... My dudes, that's exactly why I'm down for it. I'm queer as my other Big Shiny Label, I've danced this dance before. Labels don't have to be restrictive, they can be vague and broad and freeing, but more importantly, people can't insult you with a word you've chosen for yourself.)
ANYHOW
I started celebrating the solstice in a meaningful way when I was still Christian. I didn't go looking up any traditions from any non-Christian group to do so, I actually stole my idea for the solstice celebration from The Deed of Pakesnarrion, (a fantasy trilogy about a paladin) because I am a giant nerd. :D But the reason I started celebrating was that Christmas was this big, busy, stressful thing that was always dictated by other people. Even after I was an adult and I could turn down invitations and Just Say No to being asked to perform/bake/clean/whatever, the social pressure and the need to do stressful parts in order to enjoy the enjoyable parts remained. Solstice, though, was just for me. I've occasionally invited online friends to celebrate with me in a chat room, when I wanted to socialize, but most years it's been nobody but Me, Myself, and I.
This year my goober-child participated too, and that was extremely sweet and fun and delightful. (She was VERY keen on the solstice candle.) But it was still exactly what I wanted, in the way I wanted, with the "traditions" I've chosen for myself, and which I do not beat myself up about not doing in any given year. I skipped mead the last couple of years, for example. This year I didn't do the all-night vigil because I am too tired for more sleep debt. It is a moment of peace and hedonism, and rest in an otherwise jam-packed stressful season, and it was great.
Christmas has been relatively low-key lately, I think nobody else I'd celebrate with has much energy to do much either? This year we had a pancake breakfast and invited my mother in law over to see the goober open presents and eat pancakes, and that was it, really. My husband figured out how to stream to the living room sound system from my computer, so my mp3 hoarding tendencies were pressed into service broadcasting a Christmas playlist with as many parody songs as serious ones on it, goober got a lot of fun stuff and only had about 2/3 of a meltdown over anything, many pancakes were consumed, it was nice...
...but of FUCKING COURSE bullshit intruded anyway.
Sigh.
My dad and his new wife sent Psychotic Mormon Jesus Shit as a gift to the family, to sum up that bit of things. It was honestly so bizarre and hilarious that I'm glad we weren't filming present opening this year, because I could not help myself, I burst out laughing and spent the next like hour cracking up about it, because it was SO CRAZY. But of course once the funny wore off, I spent the rest of the day feeling kind of depressed. Because my dad sent Crazy Jesus Shit because he thinks me, and my husband, and my kid are all damned, and he's desperately miserable about that. I feel honestly so very sad for him. It's depressing. And then I think about how he can never be happy for anything in my life, not really, because it'll always come with "but they're not going to be in heaven" tagged on, and then of course I inevitably think about how also I'm always going to be his daughter and never his son, and in fact most of my biggest accomplishments would horrify him, he'd think they were sinful and evil, it gets even more depressing. He can't just be happy that I'm happy, it always has to come with all this bullshit guilt and shame and fear attached, and I hate it, even if he can't put the guilt and shame and fear on me anymore.
(And then I had my pretty-sure-now-ex-boyfriend send me something equally psycho in a different direction late on Christmas eve, and a customer mailed me six times on Christmas Eve about his order being wrong and I still don't know what specifically is wrong, I'm refusing to deal with that right now, especially as e-mail number seven arrived ON CHRISTMAS, what kind of fruitloop sends angry messages to artists about their purchase on Christmas Eve and follows up because there was no reply ON CHRISTMAS DAY????? Yeesh. But that shit could have happened any time, really, it's not Holiday Shit.)
The point of this is that ALL THAT is why I celebrate the solstice. That one is mine. Nobody else can ruin it by sending me crazy presents, or do anything else to stress me out or make my day worse about it, because it's completely my day to celebrate how I want, and deal with anything that does come up any way I like, and that's the big reason why I celebrate it, even if these days it's also a nice way to wedge a little more pagan shit into my holidays. :3
ANYHOW
I started celebrating the solstice in a meaningful way when I was still Christian. I didn't go looking up any traditions from any non-Christian group to do so, I actually stole my idea for the solstice celebration from The Deed of Pakesnarrion, (a fantasy trilogy about a paladin) because I am a giant nerd. :D But the reason I started celebrating was that Christmas was this big, busy, stressful thing that was always dictated by other people. Even after I was an adult and I could turn down invitations and Just Say No to being asked to perform/bake/clean/whatever, the social pressure and the need to do stressful parts in order to enjoy the enjoyable parts remained. Solstice, though, was just for me. I've occasionally invited online friends to celebrate with me in a chat room, when I wanted to socialize, but most years it's been nobody but Me, Myself, and I.
This year my goober-child participated too, and that was extremely sweet and fun and delightful. (She was VERY keen on the solstice candle.) But it was still exactly what I wanted, in the way I wanted, with the "traditions" I've chosen for myself, and which I do not beat myself up about not doing in any given year. I skipped mead the last couple of years, for example. This year I didn't do the all-night vigil because I am too tired for more sleep debt. It is a moment of peace and hedonism, and rest in an otherwise jam-packed stressful season, and it was great.
Christmas has been relatively low-key lately, I think nobody else I'd celebrate with has much energy to do much either? This year we had a pancake breakfast and invited my mother in law over to see the goober open presents and eat pancakes, and that was it, really. My husband figured out how to stream to the living room sound system from my computer, so my mp3 hoarding tendencies were pressed into service broadcasting a Christmas playlist with as many parody songs as serious ones on it, goober got a lot of fun stuff and only had about 2/3 of a meltdown over anything, many pancakes were consumed, it was nice...
...but of FUCKING COURSE bullshit intruded anyway.
Sigh.
My dad and his new wife sent Psychotic Mormon Jesus Shit as a gift to the family, to sum up that bit of things. It was honestly so bizarre and hilarious that I'm glad we weren't filming present opening this year, because I could not help myself, I burst out laughing and spent the next like hour cracking up about it, because it was SO CRAZY. But of course once the funny wore off, I spent the rest of the day feeling kind of depressed. Because my dad sent Crazy Jesus Shit because he thinks me, and my husband, and my kid are all damned, and he's desperately miserable about that. I feel honestly so very sad for him. It's depressing. And then I think about how he can never be happy for anything in my life, not really, because it'll always come with "but they're not going to be in heaven" tagged on, and then of course I inevitably think about how also I'm always going to be his daughter and never his son, and in fact most of my biggest accomplishments would horrify him, he'd think they were sinful and evil, it gets even more depressing. He can't just be happy that I'm happy, it always has to come with all this bullshit guilt and shame and fear attached, and I hate it, even if he can't put the guilt and shame and fear on me anymore.
(And then I had my pretty-sure-now-ex-boyfriend send me something equally psycho in a different direction late on Christmas eve, and a customer mailed me six times on Christmas Eve about his order being wrong and I still don't know what specifically is wrong, I'm refusing to deal with that right now, especially as e-mail number seven arrived ON CHRISTMAS, what kind of fruitloop sends angry messages to artists about their purchase on Christmas Eve and follows up because there was no reply ON CHRISTMAS DAY????? Yeesh. But that shit could have happened any time, really, it's not Holiday Shit.)
The point of this is that ALL THAT is why I celebrate the solstice. That one is mine. Nobody else can ruin it by sending me crazy presents, or do anything else to stress me out or make my day worse about it, because it's completely my day to celebrate how I want, and deal with anything that does come up any way I like, and that's the big reason why I celebrate it, even if these days it's also a nice way to wedge a little more pagan shit into my holidays. :3