Eesh...

[bladespark]

Somebody who actually knows how to write comment on Blood Choice, please? Thus far I've gotten exactly one useful bit of commentary (thanks Dexam!) and everyone else is either giving me the "nice" thing (which is appreciated, but not helpful for improvement,) or is just being plain rude. (I don't want to be compared to a bad DC comic, thank you, that does absolutely nothing useful or constructive, it just pisses me off.)

Comments

[gizmo-freak.livejournal.com]

I've seen you talking about it, but hadn't poked at it yet. There a link to it? [Sorry if you've posted one for it and I missed it.] I can ~try~ to write a good comment for it, as opposed to just "nice/bad/ok". :)

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

http://bladespark.topcities.com/story

And if you don't have any suggestions, that's okay. I'm just pissed off right now, and griping, mostly.

[gizmo-freak.livejournal.com]

Totally understandable. I do the same thing when people don't comment about really important things on my LJ. *shrugs*

[lightgreendryad.livejournal.com]

A few awkward sentences at the beginning, like, "While the barrier held the streets were perfectly safe even in darkness, but most of the city's inhabitants still regarded the darkness with a superstitious dread." That dependent clause at the beginning should have a comma after it; I had to read over it several times to see the clause there. Other than that, there's a reason people have called it good. It IS good for the category it's in. You've done well to introduce the world in short spurts; your transitions between world narration and action are a little obvious, but I don't know what you can do to fix those. Your introductions to the world aren't too heavy, so those who are used to reading sci-fi can slip into it easily. As far as plot goes, you've made an introduction to the obviously-central character that isn't too heavy. Right now, it's just a guy with wings looking for a chick. Just a few warnings of story ways that don't go well for just casual readers: Make sure, as you continue with your installations, that the story centers around a plot, not a character. I can tell you plan to build on this angel-wing guy; that's fine, but make sure there's action that builds around him and through him. Make sure it isn't just a character sketch of a few interesting-looking people. I've done a few of those myself and they don't go over well as fully-developed stories.

Anything else you want me to read, just tell me. I didn't read it before because I thought it an invitation for those who would like to read it just because they've read the stuff before it.

[2dlife.livejournal.com]

I'm not nice enough ... sorry.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Extra comma has been inserted, and I appreciate your analysis.

And don't worry, there ought to be plenty of plot. The winged guy is, indeed, a central character, but it's not actually about him. He's just... the facilitator of events, really.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Tails and ears are shipped, by the way. Priority mail, so you should be getting them Thurs or Fri.

[lightgreendryad.livejournal.com]

I might mention something else. I've been noticing lately, that the most effective narrators are weak characters. They must be weak to see through them to the action. If the narrator were strong-willed, arrogant, extremely action-oriented, and argumentative, for example (not epitomizing your narrator- just picking large traits), it wouldn't be a very clear story.

So, I suppose, continue to make your narrator see-through-able. Does that make sense?

[2dlife.livejournal.com]

I should probably clarify. I am a very mean critiquer... and I know that creative writing is held pretty dearly in the eyes of its authors. This is not a good combination. Add to that that a public forum is definitely not the best place for criticism. Sorry.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

That's allright. It's not as though I intend to publish this, so zealous critiquing is hardly needed.