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bladesparkI think I may have pinned the problem down. Just thinking about when I started to feel blah, it was just after responding to a letter from my mother. I think I have some kind of reverse homesickness. Or I want to have the chance to get homesickness, or something. I've never missed home. I didn't miss it when going off to college. I didn't miss it when going to Ireland for a year and a half. I don't miss it now. But I'd like the chance to miss it. I'd like to be able to think fondly about my family. "Absense makes the heart grow fonder," but twice a week or so I get e-mails from home, so it doesn't feel like I've gotten very far away sometimes. Though it's much, much, much better here than it was at home...
A lot of people would love to get twice weekly loving e-mails from their family, I'm sure. And it is nice to know that they care. But I'm not "a lot of people" (er, not in that sense, anyhow,) I'm me. And I already know that my family cares, I don't need regular proof of this.
My relationship with my parents is rather... complex. (*thhbbbt to those who shall remain nameless who want to apply pop-psychology and insta-analyze me.* You know nothing, bwa ha ha ha!) There's a lot of good, positive stuff in there, and when I was growing up you couldn't have asked for better parenting, really. They had, and still have, a few oddities but by and large they were the best parents I could have had. But now that I'm grown up rather than growing, it gets a little more difficult. I hit a phase where I was too old to be told what to do, but Mom was more or less stuck in a rut, and she was (and still is) raising kids who are still of an age where they need that. She couldn't turn it off for me and keep it on for them, it's just on all the time. She's always in "Mother" and never in "adult to another adult." with me. With all of us. But when I started to want to go my own way, and she was unable to stop parenting at me, we started to clash. A lot. To the point where we built a habit of fighting. And so now whenever I get communication of any kind from her I have to fight hard with myself to avoid dropping into the mental state of an argument. And so it's never easy, or peaceful, even when she's being 100% nice, to talk to her, because the little "fight or flight" thing in the back of my brain is going full speed, prepping for the argument it's sure is coming, every time I'm near her.
Whee.
And this is one of those cases where having found the source of my troubles is no help at all. I KNOW how my problems with my Mother work. She knows too! We've had a few rational discussions about it in the past. But knowing, in this case, isn't half the battle. It isn't anything, really. It's like knowing you're an alcoholic. Sure, admitting it is the first step, but that in and of itself isn't any use. And there aren't any 12 step programs for difficult family relationships. She can't change who she is, I can't change who I am, and people we are interact the way we do. We couldn't change the interactions without changing our selves. So we're stuck.
And I'm stuck getting e-mail from her, I think. One has to weigh issues. The occasional discomfort I get vs. the hurt feelings she'd get if I told her to stop. Sometimes you have to think of yourself first, but sometimes it's worthwhile to make small sacrifices for the sake of others, and I think this is one of those times. I can't cut Mom off completely. I've seen how much it hurt her when my brother did that, and how much she clings to the few small scraps of communication she gets from him. I couldn't do that to her.
Boy, that got long... But that's what happens when you're an introspective sort, I guess.
A lot of people would love to get twice weekly loving e-mails from their family, I'm sure. And it is nice to know that they care. But I'm not "a lot of people" (er, not in that sense, anyhow,) I'm me. And I already know that my family cares, I don't need regular proof of this.
My relationship with my parents is rather... complex. (*thhbbbt to those who shall remain nameless who want to apply pop-psychology and insta-analyze me.* You know nothing, bwa ha ha ha!) There's a lot of good, positive stuff in there, and when I was growing up you couldn't have asked for better parenting, really. They had, and still have, a few oddities but by and large they were the best parents I could have had. But now that I'm grown up rather than growing, it gets a little more difficult. I hit a phase where I was too old to be told what to do, but Mom was more or less stuck in a rut, and she was (and still is) raising kids who are still of an age where they need that. She couldn't turn it off for me and keep it on for them, it's just on all the time. She's always in "Mother" and never in "adult to another adult." with me. With all of us. But when I started to want to go my own way, and she was unable to stop parenting at me, we started to clash. A lot. To the point where we built a habit of fighting. And so now whenever I get communication of any kind from her I have to fight hard with myself to avoid dropping into the mental state of an argument. And so it's never easy, or peaceful, even when she's being 100% nice, to talk to her, because the little "fight or flight" thing in the back of my brain is going full speed, prepping for the argument it's sure is coming, every time I'm near her.
Whee.
And this is one of those cases where having found the source of my troubles is no help at all. I KNOW how my problems with my Mother work. She knows too! We've had a few rational discussions about it in the past. But knowing, in this case, isn't half the battle. It isn't anything, really. It's like knowing you're an alcoholic. Sure, admitting it is the first step, but that in and of itself isn't any use. And there aren't any 12 step programs for difficult family relationships. She can't change who she is, I can't change who I am, and people we are interact the way we do. We couldn't change the interactions without changing our selves. So we're stuck.
And I'm stuck getting e-mail from her, I think. One has to weigh issues. The occasional discomfort I get vs. the hurt feelings she'd get if I told her to stop. Sometimes you have to think of yourself first, but sometimes it's worthwhile to make small sacrifices for the sake of others, and I think this is one of those times. I can't cut Mom off completely. I've seen how much it hurt her when my brother did that, and how much she clings to the few small scraps of communication she gets from him. I couldn't do that to her.
Boy, that got long... But that's what happens when you're an introspective sort, I guess.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 03:44 pm (UTC)If (though since you've said as much, the 'if' isn't necessary) the situation is as you desire it, or at least a place where you choose not to change it: sympathy, and good luck.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-16 03:09 am (UTC)