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bladesparkJust some random, stream of consciousness thinking about the dragon girl story.
Why do I like it so much? It's not really because I want to have wings and breathe fire. I did want that very badly during a certain period of my life. During, in fact, the period of my life when I was socially inept, convinced I was ugly, and lonely. I was in high school at the time, and I was a social outcast. Which is funny, really, because my peers were nice people, and they meant well, but they were unable to just like me the way I was. For example, my freshman year there was a girl, the same age as I, who needed to do some form of community service for some program or other. And decided to do a "self improvement" program for the shy, asocial students who needed help. So I ended up, with a very odd albino girl and a girl who was slightly mentally handicapped, taking lessons in not being shy from this person.
This did not "improve" me any, and it didn't make me feel particularly happy either. It told me that I was a social reject. It told me that other people didn't like me the way I was.
And this was to be the pattern for the next four years of my life. My peers were seldom, if ever, cruel or exclusionary, but I was their project, their object of pity, their person to love and be Christlike by loving everybody. They didn't love me for myself. Even my parents, who did love me regardless, constantly gave me little signals of "you're not good enough as you are." My mother got me braces, and contacts, so I could be beautiful. She took me to dermatologists so I could have beautiful skin. And I know she meant well, just like that girl freshman year meant well, but all I heard was "You're not good enough the way you are."
Now I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I was told from a very young age that I was a Divine Child of God, with the potential to one day "grow up" into a goddess. I knew I was worth something in the long scheme of things. But I also knew, at that point in my life, that I would never be liked by anybody in the short term. I can't imagine how crushing the thought that I would never be liked in this life would have been had I not had the previous assurance of worth and welcome in the life to come. As it was, I was a little bit mopey, and wanted to escape, to be someone, something else. That's why I read books constanly, because in the world of books I was free from this world, where I didn't belong, and where I wasn't good enough on my own.
I didn't want to have to do all these things, to wear the clothes and the contacts and the makeup that would make people like me. I wanted to be liked for me. And being the contrary sort that I am (and also being a little lazy) I refused to look stylish, and continued to just look like myself.
When I was somewhat older, my younger brother pulled me aside. I was, at that time, considered to be a little bit old to still be single and boyfriendless, so he advised me that I needed to change a bit if I was going to catch a man. As a male, and as a person who was very popular in school and had plenty of dates, he felt he could advise me on how to become popular and get dates. But his advice amounted to changing who I was. Not changing to be a better person, but changing to be more attractive to others. And I refused. I told him I couldn't, and wouldn't. I would only take a man who could like me for me.
Luckily enough I found one.
But I think this is why the story of the dragon girl has such a huge draw for me. And for others as well, I suspect. We are told, over and over and over, that we must wear the right clothes, or read the right books, go to the right parties, have the right figure, do all the right things in order to be accepted by others. And even more, we're told that we can't suceed, we can't be happy, if we don't chose the right carreer, marry the right person, have the right number of children, go to the right church, be in the right party, and so on and so on, ad nauseum. But just because somebody tells you that you should wear makeup, or major in accounting, or become a teacher, or whatever other thing they're telling you, that doesn't mean it really will make you happy. Too many of us know what we really want, what our "wings and fire" are, but we believe the people who say these things are impractical, unacceptable, or unfashionable, and so we try and fit in where we don't really belong, and endlessly attempt to fine tune our wrong solution to happyness, when what we really want is to be an artist, or to join the peace corps, or move to Europe, or whatever other mad scheme is our true desire.
Are you going after your wings and fire, or are you letting somebody give you potions?
Why do I like it so much? It's not really because I want to have wings and breathe fire. I did want that very badly during a certain period of my life. During, in fact, the period of my life when I was socially inept, convinced I was ugly, and lonely. I was in high school at the time, and I was a social outcast. Which is funny, really, because my peers were nice people, and they meant well, but they were unable to just like me the way I was. For example, my freshman year there was a girl, the same age as I, who needed to do some form of community service for some program or other. And decided to do a "self improvement" program for the shy, asocial students who needed help. So I ended up, with a very odd albino girl and a girl who was slightly mentally handicapped, taking lessons in not being shy from this person.
This did not "improve" me any, and it didn't make me feel particularly happy either. It told me that I was a social reject. It told me that other people didn't like me the way I was.
And this was to be the pattern for the next four years of my life. My peers were seldom, if ever, cruel or exclusionary, but I was their project, their object of pity, their person to love and be Christlike by loving everybody. They didn't love me for myself. Even my parents, who did love me regardless, constantly gave me little signals of "you're not good enough as you are." My mother got me braces, and contacts, so I could be beautiful. She took me to dermatologists so I could have beautiful skin. And I know she meant well, just like that girl freshman year meant well, but all I heard was "You're not good enough the way you are."
Now I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I was told from a very young age that I was a Divine Child of God, with the potential to one day "grow up" into a goddess. I knew I was worth something in the long scheme of things. But I also knew, at that point in my life, that I would never be liked by anybody in the short term. I can't imagine how crushing the thought that I would never be liked in this life would have been had I not had the previous assurance of worth and welcome in the life to come. As it was, I was a little bit mopey, and wanted to escape, to be someone, something else. That's why I read books constanly, because in the world of books I was free from this world, where I didn't belong, and where I wasn't good enough on my own.
I didn't want to have to do all these things, to wear the clothes and the contacts and the makeup that would make people like me. I wanted to be liked for me. And being the contrary sort that I am (and also being a little lazy) I refused to look stylish, and continued to just look like myself.
When I was somewhat older, my younger brother pulled me aside. I was, at that time, considered to be a little bit old to still be single and boyfriendless, so he advised me that I needed to change a bit if I was going to catch a man. As a male, and as a person who was very popular in school and had plenty of dates, he felt he could advise me on how to become popular and get dates. But his advice amounted to changing who I was. Not changing to be a better person, but changing to be more attractive to others. And I refused. I told him I couldn't, and wouldn't. I would only take a man who could like me for me.
Luckily enough I found one.
But I think this is why the story of the dragon girl has such a huge draw for me. And for others as well, I suspect. We are told, over and over and over, that we must wear the right clothes, or read the right books, go to the right parties, have the right figure, do all the right things in order to be accepted by others. And even more, we're told that we can't suceed, we can't be happy, if we don't chose the right carreer, marry the right person, have the right number of children, go to the right church, be in the right party, and so on and so on, ad nauseum. But just because somebody tells you that you should wear makeup, or major in accounting, or become a teacher, or whatever other thing they're telling you, that doesn't mean it really will make you happy. Too many of us know what we really want, what our "wings and fire" are, but we believe the people who say these things are impractical, unacceptable, or unfashionable, and so we try and fit in where we don't really belong, and endlessly attempt to fine tune our wrong solution to happyness, when what we really want is to be an artist, or to join the peace corps, or move to Europe, or whatever other mad scheme is our true desire.
Are you going after your wings and fire, or are you letting somebody give you potions?