Some frothing of my own...
Mar. 18th, 2004 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bladespark(I need to get this out of my system, so you all get to be ranted at... And I was going to post this as a reply to Low's comment in my previous entry, but *ahem* it's a bit too long, the thing told me. I didn't know there was a length limit on comments...)
So about my reaction to this 'sanity check' nonsense...
It's not really just me being contrary, though that's a part of it. But this has annoyed me on just about every level. It has upset me, it's upset others, it's accomplished nothing for me whatsoever, even if some people tell me it was very helpful, well, joy for them. And the reasons why it's put me in my current state(which is somewhere between frothingly homocidal towards about half of fleet and rather depressed and apathetic,) are a bit hard to explain... but I guess I'll try.
This reality, this universe that became the Federation, is one that I've worked with since I was 15. More than a decade of imagining and dreaming about star dragons and firecats. That's a lot of effort and time put into this.
And because I saw that it could be someting more, someting better, I was willng to toss a lot of that out the window. In order to join fleet with this this nation I left behind unicorns, gryphons, faries,elves, atlanteans and demi-gods, all so that it would belong, would fit, would work the the physics and reality of fleet. And the things I changed about dragons and firecats! I pretty much re-vamped the
entire draconic race, from top to botton. And along with that I tossed out a half finished novel and the plot lines for two more because they no longer work with the reality I have. And on top of that I'm going to have to rewrite Flame Song's backstory to refect the changes in her homeworld, not to mention redoing a lot of minor stuff about Mysteria.
And all this didn't matter to me because I could see how wonderful the stories I'd write with this new version of Sithia, this Federation, would be. Oh the tales to tell here, in the shiny bright world of the fleet universe.
But when I posted, what response did I get? Nothing, other than that Red doesn't like my dragons. It was disappointing, but others, yourself included, began to respond, and I still thought my shiny dream would work.
And then you throw this 'sanity check' at me. I had to defend myself from what felt to me like an attack. But that wasn't the thing that really got me down, no, I knew all along that Red wouldn't like the dragons. Perhaps I should have just called them the Ssifith and he wouldn't have objected so much. But that I expected. What I didn't expect was that you and Bob, in defending me from him, would come up, out of the blue, with explanations for how my races, my systems work. Explanations that I didn't understand. I'm not stupid, but I also don't have a degree in nuclear physics, or in how other people's gravitonics work, and they left me completely behind.
I can't even begin to tell you how inadequate that made me feel. I wasn't even up to understanding things that would explain my own systems. Plus you wanted me to 'trade.' To swap some of my advantages, the ones you people thought worked the least well, in return for being 'allowed' the others. I still want to know, what advantages? Where, exactly, do I get advantages out of the system I've got? The only advantage I have is that dragons are dang hard to kill. That's it. Everything else we have is primitive at best.
Suddenly I was feeling like maybe my dream was nothing more than a dream. I am a writer, not a scientist. I want, so very badly to be able to join in the discussions that right now just pass me by, and I thought that if I came up with my own system, that I could understand from the inside out, that I'd be able to. I thought
that, given time, I'd think through the technical details, and be able at last to participate fully in fleet.
And then it seemed like I'd never be able to, that it was utterly out of my reach, and that I couldn't even defend my own system to Red, that I had to have somebody else make up the technobabble. Oh, I always knew I'd have help with the numbers, at least. I'm no mathematician, I'll admit that. But still... still, I'd wanted to
have my own way of doing thing that I knew as well as Bob knows Dominion systems. Something uniquely mine.
So now I am faced with the dillema. I can give up, and go, and I'm tempted to do it. But I still picture what wonderful stories I can get from the Federation and I'm not willing to give it up. Plus I'd almost have to toss the Eyrians too. They have no jane's entry, so it doesn't show, but they do wank, just a bit, with magi-tech. The Federation is utterly primitive compared to what Eyrie is doing...
Or I can accept the other's explanations and technobabble of how my things work, and just go on as I am now, never quite understanding, never quite able to fully participate, but I'll at least fit in, and admittedly for most of the stories I'd tell it wouldn't matter. I could look up, or ask about, the technical details I'd need. But gods! Having to ask somebody else technical questions for your own
systems?
Or I can say to hell with that and make my own system anyhow. And I think I will. It will take me a while. I can't spout numbers, I don't know yet how a lot of it works. But I will, just give me time. I refuse to give my dream up, and I also refuse to become a cookie-cutter nation, everything just like everyone else, except we happen to call our ships dragons. No. I'm going to be my own nation. I don't insist on being a major power, I'm not going to wank and godmode. (If I wanted to wank I wouldn't have the Prrali tech base I use barely past current 21st century... and I woudln't have limted dragons and magic like I have.) But I am going to have a unique nation, something that's my own and not just like my neigbors. Yes, I could just call them Ssifith, and come up with some fancy word for mages, (natural hyperspace shunt, or something like that seems to have come up as an explanation at one point,) but I'm not going to, because this is my reality, my place, and giving that up would lose a lot of what makes it so unique. And because I'm stubborn as a brick, and feeling this pressure to follow the crowd is sending me just the other way, if it sounds too 'fantasy' for all of you, you can either accept the fact that just because I call them dragons that doesn't make them fantasy, and just because I call it magic doesn't mean it's not scientific and logical, or you can keep pressuring me until it drives me out.
(/rant)
Sorry... I don't mean any of that personally, but argh! I hate being put into this kind of situation, and honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I know none of you meant any harm by all this, I really would just chuck it all and leave.
So about my reaction to this 'sanity check' nonsense...
It's not really just me being contrary, though that's a part of it. But this has annoyed me on just about every level. It has upset me, it's upset others, it's accomplished nothing for me whatsoever, even if some people tell me it was very helpful, well, joy for them. And the reasons why it's put me in my current state(which is somewhere between frothingly homocidal towards about half of fleet and rather depressed and apathetic,) are a bit hard to explain... but I guess I'll try.
This reality, this universe that became the Federation, is one that I've worked with since I was 15. More than a decade of imagining and dreaming about star dragons and firecats. That's a lot of effort and time put into this.
And because I saw that it could be someting more, someting better, I was willng to toss a lot of that out the window. In order to join fleet with this this nation I left behind unicorns, gryphons, faries,elves, atlanteans and demi-gods, all so that it would belong, would fit, would work the the physics and reality of fleet. And the things I changed about dragons and firecats! I pretty much re-vamped the
entire draconic race, from top to botton. And along with that I tossed out a half finished novel and the plot lines for two more because they no longer work with the reality I have. And on top of that I'm going to have to rewrite Flame Song's backstory to refect the changes in her homeworld, not to mention redoing a lot of minor stuff about Mysteria.
And all this didn't matter to me because I could see how wonderful the stories I'd write with this new version of Sithia, this Federation, would be. Oh the tales to tell here, in the shiny bright world of the fleet universe.
But when I posted, what response did I get? Nothing, other than that Red doesn't like my dragons. It was disappointing, but others, yourself included, began to respond, and I still thought my shiny dream would work.
And then you throw this 'sanity check' at me. I had to defend myself from what felt to me like an attack. But that wasn't the thing that really got me down, no, I knew all along that Red wouldn't like the dragons. Perhaps I should have just called them the Ssifith and he wouldn't have objected so much. But that I expected. What I didn't expect was that you and Bob, in defending me from him, would come up, out of the blue, with explanations for how my races, my systems work. Explanations that I didn't understand. I'm not stupid, but I also don't have a degree in nuclear physics, or in how other people's gravitonics work, and they left me completely behind.
I can't even begin to tell you how inadequate that made me feel. I wasn't even up to understanding things that would explain my own systems. Plus you wanted me to 'trade.' To swap some of my advantages, the ones you people thought worked the least well, in return for being 'allowed' the others. I still want to know, what advantages? Where, exactly, do I get advantages out of the system I've got? The only advantage I have is that dragons are dang hard to kill. That's it. Everything else we have is primitive at best.
Suddenly I was feeling like maybe my dream was nothing more than a dream. I am a writer, not a scientist. I want, so very badly to be able to join in the discussions that right now just pass me by, and I thought that if I came up with my own system, that I could understand from the inside out, that I'd be able to. I thought
that, given time, I'd think through the technical details, and be able at last to participate fully in fleet.
And then it seemed like I'd never be able to, that it was utterly out of my reach, and that I couldn't even defend my own system to Red, that I had to have somebody else make up the technobabble. Oh, I always knew I'd have help with the numbers, at least. I'm no mathematician, I'll admit that. But still... still, I'd wanted to
have my own way of doing thing that I knew as well as Bob knows Dominion systems. Something uniquely mine.
So now I am faced with the dillema. I can give up, and go, and I'm tempted to do it. But I still picture what wonderful stories I can get from the Federation and I'm not willing to give it up. Plus I'd almost have to toss the Eyrians too. They have no jane's entry, so it doesn't show, but they do wank, just a bit, with magi-tech. The Federation is utterly primitive compared to what Eyrie is doing...
Or I can accept the other's explanations and technobabble of how my things work, and just go on as I am now, never quite understanding, never quite able to fully participate, but I'll at least fit in, and admittedly for most of the stories I'd tell it wouldn't matter. I could look up, or ask about, the technical details I'd need. But gods! Having to ask somebody else technical questions for your own
systems?
Or I can say to hell with that and make my own system anyhow. And I think I will. It will take me a while. I can't spout numbers, I don't know yet how a lot of it works. But I will, just give me time. I refuse to give my dream up, and I also refuse to become a cookie-cutter nation, everything just like everyone else, except we happen to call our ships dragons. No. I'm going to be my own nation. I don't insist on being a major power, I'm not going to wank and godmode. (If I wanted to wank I wouldn't have the Prrali tech base I use barely past current 21st century... and I woudln't have limted dragons and magic like I have.) But I am going to have a unique nation, something that's my own and not just like my neigbors. Yes, I could just call them Ssifith, and come up with some fancy word for mages, (natural hyperspace shunt, or something like that seems to have come up as an explanation at one point,) but I'm not going to, because this is my reality, my place, and giving that up would lose a lot of what makes it so unique. And because I'm stubborn as a brick, and feeling this pressure to follow the crowd is sending me just the other way, if it sounds too 'fantasy' for all of you, you can either accept the fact that just because I call them dragons that doesn't make them fantasy, and just because I call it magic doesn't mean it's not scientific and logical, or you can keep pressuring me until it drives me out.
(/rant)
Sorry... I don't mean any of that personally, but argh! I hate being put into this kind of situation, and honestly, if it weren't for the fact that I know none of you meant any harm by all this, I really would just chuck it all and leave.