A melancholy mood.
Mar. 15th, 2019 04:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bladesparkOni is kicking about at the front of my head today. His dialect slips out now and again, and oft times I wonder what people who know him not think of that? Do they even notice? People can be deeply unobservant, and I am not the center of any other's world, yet seeing bits of Elizabethan language is mayhap a thing that might be noticed by even the unobservant at times.
He/I was rather discomfited earlier today, poor fellow, as we ended up having sex, and he is not in the least bit interested in sexual matters in this body. There is a rather more...profound mismatch there for Oni than for Aidan. I regret nothing, though, I needed it, it is not a trauma for him, merely exceedingly strange. ('Tis probably rather TMI, but ah well. I'm not sure anyone put off by mere mention of such things would be sticking around this blog in any case.)
Being Oni is oft times a bit of a melancholy thing. He is a bit of an odd one. It may be that this is why he is about today, though, for I am melancholy in general. I am lonely, truth be told. Even across the internet I feel sometimes increasingly isolated. Happenstance seems to have swept up all my friends, and I seldom have much company of late. Also pony fandom is dying, and I used to do a great deal of my socializing there, but 'tis increasingly quiet on places such as my pony-themed Discord server, and I am not the sort who can hold a community together by the force of my own presence.
Also my paramor has her girlfriend living with her now, and since that happened, it feels like we barely speak. I miss her greatly. *Oni* specifically misses her greatly, she is one of the few "real" people he hath any relationship with. It is a thing that is both the strength and the weakness of polyamory. No one must be anyone's everything. Yet no one may be anyone's everything. I have always said that I do not feel jealousy in the sense of disliking my partners having others, but it is not jealousy to feel lonely when one's lovers are away.
Perhaps I shall delete this later, I am not sure any useful purpose is served by it, but for the nonce I feel the need to speak of't.
Also, you know, it's fucking 4:30am and I'm awake, so I've nothing better to do than bitch here.
He/I was rather discomfited earlier today, poor fellow, as we ended up having sex, and he is not in the least bit interested in sexual matters in this body. There is a rather more...profound mismatch there for Oni than for Aidan. I regret nothing, though, I needed it, it is not a trauma for him, merely exceedingly strange. ('Tis probably rather TMI, but ah well. I'm not sure anyone put off by mere mention of such things would be sticking around this blog in any case.)
Being Oni is oft times a bit of a melancholy thing. He is a bit of an odd one. It may be that this is why he is about today, though, for I am melancholy in general. I am lonely, truth be told. Even across the internet I feel sometimes increasingly isolated. Happenstance seems to have swept up all my friends, and I seldom have much company of late. Also pony fandom is dying, and I used to do a great deal of my socializing there, but 'tis increasingly quiet on places such as my pony-themed Discord server, and I am not the sort who can hold a community together by the force of my own presence.
Also my paramor has her girlfriend living with her now, and since that happened, it feels like we barely speak. I miss her greatly. *Oni* specifically misses her greatly, she is one of the few "real" people he hath any relationship with. It is a thing that is both the strength and the weakness of polyamory. No one must be anyone's everything. Yet no one may be anyone's everything. I have always said that I do not feel jealousy in the sense of disliking my partners having others, but it is not jealousy to feel lonely when one's lovers are away.
Perhaps I shall delete this later, I am not sure any useful purpose is served by it, but for the nonce I feel the need to speak of't.
Also, you know, it's fucking 4:30am and I'm awake, so I've nothing better to do than bitch here.