Playing the game
Mar. 15th, 2019 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bladesparkI'm dipping my toe back into the dating pool a bit lately, and it has me thinking about flirting, courtship, and "getting some."
I think, sometimes, as I'm sitting here writing a message discussing the kind of sex I like to have with somebody who *maybe* I could have sex with at some point in the future, and I find myself trying to parse exactly why my bring up my kinks and asking about her kinks doesn't feel at *all* the same as many of the conversations I've had with eager men who dove straight into kink and sex in a way that seemed skeevy.
I brought up sex right away, those men bring up sex right away. Is the only difference that I'm not cis? Is the only difference something like that whole weird, redpill, incel train of thought about being an inherently attractive alpha male getting you the girls while beta cucks are doomed? (Does that make me a Chad? *Can* a transmasculine person be a Chad? :D)
I've decided, as I pondered this, that the difference isn't that I'm somehow alpha (I laugh at the very thought, tbh. If I were in that universe with the alpha/beta/omega thing that I see a lot in porn these days I would totally be an omega.) I think the difference is the difference between "trying to get some" and "communicating that you want some."
When you approach dating, hooking up, finding kink partners, etc. like you would a video game, where the goal is to figure out how to *get* what you want so you can win, I think that's when you start looking like a creep and chasing people off. You're trying to find the button to push, the slot to put the coins in, the thing to do that will *manipulate* the other person so that the sex comes out. You're making the other person into a literal sex object, and not allowing them any agency, any possibility that they may just be a human being who wants different things than you want. Or who wants the same things but doesn't happen to like you personally. *That's allowed*, you know.
When you approach dating and hooking up and all that as a mutualistic thing, where you both have wants and needs, and the goal is *discovering* if those wants and needs can line up, and if so how, then that comes across very differently.
I'm bringing up my kinks because I want to communicate "here are my wants, see if any of them sound like a good match" and I'm asking about her kinks because I want her to be able to communicate her wants, so I can see if any of them seem like a good match for mine. (And because it's just fun to talk about, and I don't mean in a wank-material kind of way. People's kinks are interesting!)
I'm not bringing up kink and sex as a "strategy" to steer the conversation to steamy topics so I can "get" some from her as soon as possible. That's not the point at all. Of course "getting some" is somewhere on my list of wants, but she's not a sex bot and I'm not trying to figure out her programming so I can use it. We're just mutually engaging in the process of discovery, and maybe that'll go somewhere interesting, and maybe it won't.
You have to be okay with "maybe it won't" too, that's where things go *really* pear-shaped for the "beta" trying to "play" the alpha game and learn how to make women put out. It's always a losing move in the long term game, if that's really how you want to think about it, to pitch a bitch-fit when you get turned down in a short term match. :3
If you look at the practical advice for flirting, by the way, quite a lot of the *good* advice boils down to "let her know you're interested, try to find out if she's interested." It's not about anybody making anybody do anything, it's about communication, and for people who do like to "play", the version they find fun, with the eyelash batting and all the indirect flirtations still amount to giving signals that are meant to communicate something.
But I'd rather not play that kind of game, I'd rather just get to know people, be frank and up front about what I like, and sometimes things match up.
(Man, I am verbose lately! And philosophical, or something.)
I think, sometimes, as I'm sitting here writing a message discussing the kind of sex I like to have with somebody who *maybe* I could have sex with at some point in the future, and I find myself trying to parse exactly why my bring up my kinks and asking about her kinks doesn't feel at *all* the same as many of the conversations I've had with eager men who dove straight into kink and sex in a way that seemed skeevy.
I brought up sex right away, those men bring up sex right away. Is the only difference that I'm not cis? Is the only difference something like that whole weird, redpill, incel train of thought about being an inherently attractive alpha male getting you the girls while beta cucks are doomed? (Does that make me a Chad? *Can* a transmasculine person be a Chad? :D)
I've decided, as I pondered this, that the difference isn't that I'm somehow alpha (I laugh at the very thought, tbh. If I were in that universe with the alpha/beta/omega thing that I see a lot in porn these days I would totally be an omega.) I think the difference is the difference between "trying to get some" and "communicating that you want some."
When you approach dating, hooking up, finding kink partners, etc. like you would a video game, where the goal is to figure out how to *get* what you want so you can win, I think that's when you start looking like a creep and chasing people off. You're trying to find the button to push, the slot to put the coins in, the thing to do that will *manipulate* the other person so that the sex comes out. You're making the other person into a literal sex object, and not allowing them any agency, any possibility that they may just be a human being who wants different things than you want. Or who wants the same things but doesn't happen to like you personally. *That's allowed*, you know.
When you approach dating and hooking up and all that as a mutualistic thing, where you both have wants and needs, and the goal is *discovering* if those wants and needs can line up, and if so how, then that comes across very differently.
I'm bringing up my kinks because I want to communicate "here are my wants, see if any of them sound like a good match" and I'm asking about her kinks because I want her to be able to communicate her wants, so I can see if any of them seem like a good match for mine. (And because it's just fun to talk about, and I don't mean in a wank-material kind of way. People's kinks are interesting!)
I'm not bringing up kink and sex as a "strategy" to steer the conversation to steamy topics so I can "get" some from her as soon as possible. That's not the point at all. Of course "getting some" is somewhere on my list of wants, but she's not a sex bot and I'm not trying to figure out her programming so I can use it. We're just mutually engaging in the process of discovery, and maybe that'll go somewhere interesting, and maybe it won't.
You have to be okay with "maybe it won't" too, that's where things go *really* pear-shaped for the "beta" trying to "play" the alpha game and learn how to make women put out. It's always a losing move in the long term game, if that's really how you want to think about it, to pitch a bitch-fit when you get turned down in a short term match. :3
If you look at the practical advice for flirting, by the way, quite a lot of the *good* advice boils down to "let her know you're interested, try to find out if she's interested." It's not about anybody making anybody do anything, it's about communication, and for people who do like to "play", the version they find fun, with the eyelash batting and all the indirect flirtations still amount to giving signals that are meant to communicate something.
But I'd rather not play that kind of game, I'd rather just get to know people, be frank and up front about what I like, and sometimes things match up.
(Man, I am verbose lately! And philosophical, or something.)
no subject
Date: 2019-03-16 03:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-03-16 06:31 am (UTC)