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bladesparkWhen I've had relationships in the past, I've always categorized "things clicked" as being an intersection of sexual attraction and friendship-attraction. Relationships that were all about the hotness but I couldn't have a conversation were dropped quickly. Relationships where we could talk for hours but there was no sexual chemistry generally never even got off the ground in the first place, past friendship. But I guess there's more to it than that?
Because I'm seeing a fantastic lady, and we have smoking sexual chemistry and we can talk for hours and our kids get along and everything's great, and yet...?
She wanted to see me on Thursday. I initially agreed. We last saw each other on Saturday but it was for a kid's birthday party so we didn't really get either proper hangout time or sexy time. Once a week seems like a pretty good standard for people who are dating-while-busy, and so I said yes.
But yesterday, when I was sitting there with my lip numb and my whole face in pain after the dentist's visit I had (three fillings, ugh), and thinking about the rest of the week, it wasn't "I feel like shit, I'm so glad that I have something to look forward to on Thursday" it was "I feel like shit and oh god I have something else on the calendar, I don't want to leave the house, nooooooo."
That's kinda... WTF, my brain? You like this chick, you have great conversations for hours, the sex is amazing, why are you feeling her presence as a burden and not a relief? Thinking of taking Thursday off and going out with my husband doesn't sound like a burden, thinking of seeing my long-distance girlfriend on Thursday if she were here doesn't sound like a burden, (God, I wish. Distance, I hate you!) Why does seeing this girl sound like a burden? Yes I am an introvert, but usually getting close to somebody and developing chemistry with them starts to switch them from a drain to a neutral or even energizing thing? And that's not happening here, and I can't really formulate a reason why.
I haven't sent her any of my Inner Space stories, either.
I also can't formulate a reason why. She's a fellow writer, and we talk about words all the time. She knows about my headmates, and that I write stories about them/me/us. I'm not hiding this, and I've sent her all kinds of depraved porn so I know she wouldn't find the kink and sexual nature of many of them off-putting. And yet I don't want to send them?
I don't know.
It's weird, because everything's good, and yet there's just this distance I'm not bridging here, and I can't figure out why.
Because I'm seeing a fantastic lady, and we have smoking sexual chemistry and we can talk for hours and our kids get along and everything's great, and yet...?
She wanted to see me on Thursday. I initially agreed. We last saw each other on Saturday but it was for a kid's birthday party so we didn't really get either proper hangout time or sexy time. Once a week seems like a pretty good standard for people who are dating-while-busy, and so I said yes.
But yesterday, when I was sitting there with my lip numb and my whole face in pain after the dentist's visit I had (three fillings, ugh), and thinking about the rest of the week, it wasn't "I feel like shit, I'm so glad that I have something to look forward to on Thursday" it was "I feel like shit and oh god I have something else on the calendar, I don't want to leave the house, nooooooo."
That's kinda... WTF, my brain? You like this chick, you have great conversations for hours, the sex is amazing, why are you feeling her presence as a burden and not a relief? Thinking of taking Thursday off and going out with my husband doesn't sound like a burden, thinking of seeing my long-distance girlfriend on Thursday if she were here doesn't sound like a burden, (God, I wish. Distance, I hate you!) Why does seeing this girl sound like a burden? Yes I am an introvert, but usually getting close to somebody and developing chemistry with them starts to switch them from a drain to a neutral or even energizing thing? And that's not happening here, and I can't really formulate a reason why.
I haven't sent her any of my Inner Space stories, either.
I also can't formulate a reason why. She's a fellow writer, and we talk about words all the time. She knows about my headmates, and that I write stories about them/me/us. I'm not hiding this, and I've sent her all kinds of depraved porn so I know she wouldn't find the kink and sexual nature of many of them off-putting. And yet I don't want to send them?
I don't know.
It's weird, because everything's good, and yet there's just this distance I'm not bridging here, and I can't figure out why.