![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bladesparkI am primarily an introvert. However, humans are social creatures, and I'm just extroverted enough to enjoy human contact when I feel up to emerging from my safe little hidey-hole.
Also, ever since I was a Mormon Missionary, back in Ye Olde Times, I've found I really enjoy talking to strangers. I liked all the fascinatingly weird and different people I met knocking on doors. Honestly seeing the breadth of humanity outside of the Utah Mormon conformist bubble was a major factor in getting me out of the church.
But I digress. The point is that I enjoy talking to strangers, and over 18 months of door-knocking and 20+ years since I've learned how to do it in a way that keeps the experience positive and enjoyable for everybody involved. Being autistic, though, this is a conscious skill, something I have to think through every step. Nothing about this is instinctive, nothing about it comes naturally.
So for my fellow autists and awkward weirdos, I thought I'd make you a guide. And for anybody neurotypical and naturally social reading this, perhaps it can be a glimpse into why autistic people struggle with these things as I spell out exactly what at least some of us have to go through when socializing with our fellow human beings.
Before you start
Before you can even consider having a nice chat with a stranger, you have to be in a setting that's appropriate for such a thing. Ideally in a place where folks are idling around with lots of free time. Bus rides, plane trips, waiting in line at the pharmacy, whatever. Approaching strangers works best when they're really bored and have nothing better to do, basically.
You also want to be sure the individual you want to approach is a viable option. Nose in a book, headphones on, eating food, or otherwise engaged in *anything* means no. Just stop. No. No, not even if the book they're reading is your favorite book. If they stop reading the book you can try, but do not interrupt people. Just don't. There's a reason when I knocked doors we got maybe one person in 100 to talk to us, and it's not just that people don't want to talk religion. We were interrupting people and they were busy.
Next, just to get 'em out of the way, a few bare basics. Be dressed in clothes that are at least vaguely appropriate (not filthy, not wildly out of place for the setting, though that latter is a whole essay by itself) and be clean and don't smell. If your hair is neat and tidy it helps. You don't have to look Instagram-ready, you just have to not make people uncomfortable. That's the basis of a LOT of this article.
You're also, by the way, going to want to put on a pleasant expression. I have resting "worried" face, which is weirder but just as uncomfortable for people as resting bitch face, so I have to take extra care with this one. If you aren't used to thinking about your expression, consider practicing in the mirror, and make a point of remembering how it feels when you get a look that seems okay, since you probably won't have a mirror handy when the time comes. If you've done any customer-facing jobs, your "work face" is exactly the kind of thing you want. A smile, but not a big smile, just a relaxed, (I know, easier said than done) and overall friendly look.
Finally, if you're in a situation where you're not in line or otherwise fixed in place, you of course want to get near somebody you can make contact with, but not too near. Never make people feel crowded or trapped! If there are seats, leave one empty seat between you, that's not too far too talk across, but not so close you'll crowd people. If you're on a bus and somebody's by a window seat in a row of three, it can be better to sit in front of them and face sideways, by the way. Sitting in the aisle seat isn't awful, but if it's a fairly empty bus you're going to look a bit weird, and you're also between them and getting off the bus, which can make people feel trapped. "Pleasant" is the goal here, not trapped!
If you're all just standing around, get to an appropriate distance to converse but not crowd. I have a little rule of thumb about personal space. If you can lift your arm and touch the person's body directly, you are too close, move at least a little bit back. If you and the other person both lift your arms but would be unable to touch at all, you are too far away, move a little closer. Obviously this is flexible, if you're packed onto a full bus or waiting for a popular concert in the mosh pit, you're going to end up closer. "Close" is always going to be contextual.
The approach
Okay, so you look like a vaguely presentable human being, you're bored out of your mind waiting in line, you've stuck a decently friendly expression on, and there's somebody at a reasonable distance from you who seems interesting, how to start?
Eye contact!
That's honestly about 90% of it. Smile pleasantly, look around, then take a second or two to look directly at the face of the person you'd like to talk to. (No longer, anything longer than two seconds max is too much for an initial contact. Even neurotypical people who are totally fine with eye contact won't make constant or long eye contact right away.) Humans are super keyed into when other humans are looking at us, they'll know you're looking at them, and if they're socially open they'll look back.
If they don't look back and meet your eyes, that's a "no" and you're going to have to give up. Remember, the goal here is a pleasant interaction, so you can't continue unless you get signals back that somebody wants to interact. Trying to engage when somebody's signaled "no" by not responding to your attempt at eye contact will only annoy your target.
And real talk here: you are going to spend most of your attempts standing around looking pleasant and talking to nobody at all. That's fine! Most people aren't chatty while they're in these situations, they just want to do whatever it is they're doing and get on with their lives.
If they do look back, though, meet their eyes, and give a little nod. You're signalling that yep, you looked on purpose, and yep, you too are socially open.
Actually talking
Now that you know the person you want to approach is probably comfortable with that, time to start a conversation!
You should keep this casual, so "greetings" is right out, but I find even "hello" to be a bit...like you're at a meeting, not just having a chat? "Hey" or "hi" or whatever your regional most-casual greeting is, is probably best.
If you're very lucky you'll have a chatter on your hands and the other person will take it from there. If not, you have to come up with a conversation starter.
IMHO the best one is a compliment. Notice something that the person probably put time, effort, or thought into, and compliment it. "Nice scarf" or "I love that hairstyle" or "Your shirt is my favorite color" kinds of things. Somebody started a little chat with me while picking up our kids at school the other day by asking where I'd gotten my hoodie.
Only compliment on things the person would have deliberately chosen. NEVER, ever, ever, ever comment on somebody's body, and that includes hair color and texture. (Unless it's obviously dyed, mine is currently bright pink, so yanno, that'd be fine.) You have no idea if somebody who looks thin has successfully dieted or has cancer. (Or just looks like that for no special reason and is sick of hearing about it.) People with natural red hair are probably sick of hearing about it. POC with non-white hair textures? Sick of hearing about it. Etc. etc. etc. Please just don't.
If you can't find something to compliment, or that bit of the conversation runs its course and you need another topic, stick to things that are inconsequential. You're going for "pleasant moment" not "deep dive into meaningful topics." There's a reason stuff like the weather, sports teams, popular TV shows, etc. are staples of casual chat. Simple topics with no weight to them are social grease. Discussing them lets you have social interactions that don't get gritty and potentially fraught. That can be a prelude to getting to know somebody well enough to get into the meaningful stuff, but in this case not so much. "Dang, it's been cold lately" or "I watched the Superbowl yesterday, are you into football?" are perfectly good for our purpose at hand.
Wrapping up
From here on out, you're mostly on your own. The conversation will flow or it won't. In many of these situations it'll be naturally very brief because the doctor will call your name, your kid will come out, or whatever, and you'll have to go. That will probably be awkward! Lots of this will probably be awkward. If it's a long conversation, you'll probably say something that didn't come out how you meant it, or they'll say something that confuses you, or any number of other things.
That's okay! This is a brief interaction with a stranger, it's allowed to just be awkward! You're probably never going to see this person again, for starters. And awkwardness is just...part of life. It's going to happen, it's not the end of the world. Spiraling over it or apologizing a million times will only make things more awkward. Treat any times things seem to go wrong as practice runs. Oopsie, this one became uncomfortable, well, now you've learned something about what to do or not do next time, that's actually awesome.
Probably, though, you'll have a little chat about nothing much, and then it'll be time to leave.
If needed, exit with a brief "Hey, that's my kid!" "Here's my stop, see you!" "Gotta go now, nice talking to you!" etc. and you're done. You have successfully talked to a stranger in public, go you!
Your mileage may vary with all of this, it's just drawn from my own experiences and the things I think about as I chat with strangers. But I hope it's at least a little bit helpful for some of you. Thanks for reading!
Also, ever since I was a Mormon Missionary, back in Ye Olde Times, I've found I really enjoy talking to strangers. I liked all the fascinatingly weird and different people I met knocking on doors. Honestly seeing the breadth of humanity outside of the Utah Mormon conformist bubble was a major factor in getting me out of the church.
But I digress. The point is that I enjoy talking to strangers, and over 18 months of door-knocking and 20+ years since I've learned how to do it in a way that keeps the experience positive and enjoyable for everybody involved. Being autistic, though, this is a conscious skill, something I have to think through every step. Nothing about this is instinctive, nothing about it comes naturally.
So for my fellow autists and awkward weirdos, I thought I'd make you a guide. And for anybody neurotypical and naturally social reading this, perhaps it can be a glimpse into why autistic people struggle with these things as I spell out exactly what at least some of us have to go through when socializing with our fellow human beings.
Before you start
Before you can even consider having a nice chat with a stranger, you have to be in a setting that's appropriate for such a thing. Ideally in a place where folks are idling around with lots of free time. Bus rides, plane trips, waiting in line at the pharmacy, whatever. Approaching strangers works best when they're really bored and have nothing better to do, basically.
You also want to be sure the individual you want to approach is a viable option. Nose in a book, headphones on, eating food, or otherwise engaged in *anything* means no. Just stop. No. No, not even if the book they're reading is your favorite book. If they stop reading the book you can try, but do not interrupt people. Just don't. There's a reason when I knocked doors we got maybe one person in 100 to talk to us, and it's not just that people don't want to talk religion. We were interrupting people and they were busy.
Next, just to get 'em out of the way, a few bare basics. Be dressed in clothes that are at least vaguely appropriate (not filthy, not wildly out of place for the setting, though that latter is a whole essay by itself) and be clean and don't smell. If your hair is neat and tidy it helps. You don't have to look Instagram-ready, you just have to not make people uncomfortable. That's the basis of a LOT of this article.
You're also, by the way, going to want to put on a pleasant expression. I have resting "worried" face, which is weirder but just as uncomfortable for people as resting bitch face, so I have to take extra care with this one. If you aren't used to thinking about your expression, consider practicing in the mirror, and make a point of remembering how it feels when you get a look that seems okay, since you probably won't have a mirror handy when the time comes. If you've done any customer-facing jobs, your "work face" is exactly the kind of thing you want. A smile, but not a big smile, just a relaxed, (I know, easier said than done) and overall friendly look.
Finally, if you're in a situation where you're not in line or otherwise fixed in place, you of course want to get near somebody you can make contact with, but not too near. Never make people feel crowded or trapped! If there are seats, leave one empty seat between you, that's not too far too talk across, but not so close you'll crowd people. If you're on a bus and somebody's by a window seat in a row of three, it can be better to sit in front of them and face sideways, by the way. Sitting in the aisle seat isn't awful, but if it's a fairly empty bus you're going to look a bit weird, and you're also between them and getting off the bus, which can make people feel trapped. "Pleasant" is the goal here, not trapped!
If you're all just standing around, get to an appropriate distance to converse but not crowd. I have a little rule of thumb about personal space. If you can lift your arm and touch the person's body directly, you are too close, move at least a little bit back. If you and the other person both lift your arms but would be unable to touch at all, you are too far away, move a little closer. Obviously this is flexible, if you're packed onto a full bus or waiting for a popular concert in the mosh pit, you're going to end up closer. "Close" is always going to be contextual.
The approach
Okay, so you look like a vaguely presentable human being, you're bored out of your mind waiting in line, you've stuck a decently friendly expression on, and there's somebody at a reasonable distance from you who seems interesting, how to start?
Eye contact!
That's honestly about 90% of it. Smile pleasantly, look around, then take a second or two to look directly at the face of the person you'd like to talk to. (No longer, anything longer than two seconds max is too much for an initial contact. Even neurotypical people who are totally fine with eye contact won't make constant or long eye contact right away.) Humans are super keyed into when other humans are looking at us, they'll know you're looking at them, and if they're socially open they'll look back.
If they don't look back and meet your eyes, that's a "no" and you're going to have to give up. Remember, the goal here is a pleasant interaction, so you can't continue unless you get signals back that somebody wants to interact. Trying to engage when somebody's signaled "no" by not responding to your attempt at eye contact will only annoy your target.
And real talk here: you are going to spend most of your attempts standing around looking pleasant and talking to nobody at all. That's fine! Most people aren't chatty while they're in these situations, they just want to do whatever it is they're doing and get on with their lives.
If they do look back, though, meet their eyes, and give a little nod. You're signalling that yep, you looked on purpose, and yep, you too are socially open.
Actually talking
Now that you know the person you want to approach is probably comfortable with that, time to start a conversation!
You should keep this casual, so "greetings" is right out, but I find even "hello" to be a bit...like you're at a meeting, not just having a chat? "Hey" or "hi" or whatever your regional most-casual greeting is, is probably best.
If you're very lucky you'll have a chatter on your hands and the other person will take it from there. If not, you have to come up with a conversation starter.
IMHO the best one is a compliment. Notice something that the person probably put time, effort, or thought into, and compliment it. "Nice scarf" or "I love that hairstyle" or "Your shirt is my favorite color" kinds of things. Somebody started a little chat with me while picking up our kids at school the other day by asking where I'd gotten my hoodie.
Only compliment on things the person would have deliberately chosen. NEVER, ever, ever, ever comment on somebody's body, and that includes hair color and texture. (Unless it's obviously dyed, mine is currently bright pink, so yanno, that'd be fine.) You have no idea if somebody who looks thin has successfully dieted or has cancer. (Or just looks like that for no special reason and is sick of hearing about it.) People with natural red hair are probably sick of hearing about it. POC with non-white hair textures? Sick of hearing about it. Etc. etc. etc. Please just don't.
If you can't find something to compliment, or that bit of the conversation runs its course and you need another topic, stick to things that are inconsequential. You're going for "pleasant moment" not "deep dive into meaningful topics." There's a reason stuff like the weather, sports teams, popular TV shows, etc. are staples of casual chat. Simple topics with no weight to them are social grease. Discussing them lets you have social interactions that don't get gritty and potentially fraught. That can be a prelude to getting to know somebody well enough to get into the meaningful stuff, but in this case not so much. "Dang, it's been cold lately" or "I watched the Superbowl yesterday, are you into football?" are perfectly good for our purpose at hand.
Wrapping up
From here on out, you're mostly on your own. The conversation will flow or it won't. In many of these situations it'll be naturally very brief because the doctor will call your name, your kid will come out, or whatever, and you'll have to go. That will probably be awkward! Lots of this will probably be awkward. If it's a long conversation, you'll probably say something that didn't come out how you meant it, or they'll say something that confuses you, or any number of other things.
That's okay! This is a brief interaction with a stranger, it's allowed to just be awkward! You're probably never going to see this person again, for starters. And awkwardness is just...part of life. It's going to happen, it's not the end of the world. Spiraling over it or apologizing a million times will only make things more awkward. Treat any times things seem to go wrong as practice runs. Oopsie, this one became uncomfortable, well, now you've learned something about what to do or not do next time, that's actually awesome.
Probably, though, you'll have a little chat about nothing much, and then it'll be time to leave.
If needed, exit with a brief "Hey, that's my kid!" "Here's my stop, see you!" "Gotta go now, nice talking to you!" etc. and you're done. You have successfully talked to a stranger in public, go you!
Your mileage may vary with all of this, it's just drawn from my own experiences and the things I think about as I chat with strangers. But I hope it's at least a little bit helpful for some of you. Thanks for reading!
Thank you!
Date: 2025-02-28 06:36 am (UTC)Also, I note that you have described better social skills than most "normal" people have nowadays. They feel entitled to pester people.
no subject
Date: 2025-03-01 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-03-03 06:47 pm (UTC)This does a good job enumerating how to tell if someone consents to be chatted with. Excellent list of the nonverbal cues. My dance teacher taught a similar short lesson on how to ask someone to dance, nonverbally, that uses some of the same cues: gentle eye contact, making sure the possible partner doesn't feel trapped or pressured, asking rather than insisting or demanding. Makes sense, Partner dance is another sort of conversation, after all.