bladespark | Thinking deep, insomniac thouhts

So I was lying in bed, and a lot of things were running through my mind, and I ended up with a weird train of thought that, well... it wouldn't leave me alone, so I'm sharing it.

That recent Scientology link got me skimming over Operation Clam Bake again, as it's an interesting, if sometimes disturbing, read. And I ran into this article about how it's possible for a rational person to get drawn into such an irrational belief system. And in this article, the author talks about the supposed spiritual experience that comes from auditing. He explains it as a hypnotic effect, something induced by your brain's reaction to repetition, and set up by your prior expectation of getting just such a response. I'm pretty sure he's right, in this case, though I really woudln't know, because the closest I've come to what he describes is, weirdly enough, the experience of being in "sub-space" when doing a really submissive BDSM scene. (How's that for mental comparisons there?) He talks about a state of euphoria, a high that makes you " feel like you just freebased a whole gram!" and so on. And this is very interesting to me, and I enjoyed reading it, but I also had a little feeling of unease there.

Now, as I said, I've never felt this feeling, except in certain um... very non-religious circumstances. But I have had genuine spiritual experiences, and felt spiritual feelings. And I wonder, and worry just a bit, if there aren't people out there who read something like that little article, and then decide to write off all spiritual and religious feelings as hypnotic, and pyschologically self-induced. And this bothers me, because once you've written off spirituality as complete bunk, you're never going to have the chance to feel the unique and wonderful feeling of being in touch with a higher power.

And let me make this clear. A real spiritual experience is nothing like the high described in that article. I get high sometimes. "Sub-space" aside, I'm just a touch manic-depressive (really, really, really mild) and so I have "up" days when I really am feeling high. It's great! I get all kinds of stuff done, and run around in a mad whirl of energy, and I'm on top of the world! Woo! And then my brain chemistry decides to go the other way for a bit and I'm depressed. That is something caused by my brain being a bit unbalanced, and it's not any different than feeling sick because my stomach is acidic today, or feeling weak because my blood sugar is low. It's all in the chemicals. And so is "sub-space," for that matter. Pain endorphins, psychologically weird states, those are responsible for the really nice, high, out of it, floaty sensation that I've gotten from a few of my best scenes.

A spiritual experience doesn't feel a bit like that. It's a lot harder to define, really. But to help try to explain what I'm getting at here, I will share a very personal experience with you all. (Aren't you special?)

In December of last year my little brother Alan got married, and I was able to attend his wedding. Now to understand everything going on here, you need to know a few things. Firstly, I'm Mormon. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to use the proper name of it. My brother is too, and he's quite devout. Moreso than I, sometimes. Another useful fact is that Jordan, my boyfriend, whom I love very deeply and who is my perfect mate in all ways but one, is not Mormon. (Hence the "all ways but one.") A third tidbit is that in Mormonism a marriage within the temple is... well, not quite the very highest aspiration of every member, but fairly close to it. And non-Mormons can't set foot within a dedicated temple, let alone get married in one. (Though if you ever have a temple built in your area, or repaired, I highly reccomend touring it before they dedicate it. They're neat buildings!)

So needless to say as I sat there and watched the lovely ceremony, my thoughts were a little bit bitter-sweet. I was happy for Alan, really, and he and his wife seemed so very happy, and so did everyone else. And the temple itself is such a wonderful and peaceful place to go to that I couldn't be too terribly sad, but I couldn't completely banish the small voice in the back of my head that kept reminding me that I might well never stand where Alan's wife Katy was standing. I want very badly to have everything that comes with a temple marriage. It isn't just a social convention, a "oh, this is what Mormons do." It's a lot deeper than that, and to fully explain it I'd have to get into a lengthy doctrinal essay, which I'd rather not side-track onto just now, (ask me later and maybe I'll go into more detail,) but what it boils down to is that the single greatest desire of my life, to be married in the temple to Jordan, seemed utterly impossible.

And there was a little bit of me that had been afraid, for a very long time, to even think about this too much, and certainly afraid to ask God about it. You see, there's this idea, called the "righteous desire" that's mentioned a few times in scripture and literature, and what it means is that God will always give His children the things they want that are good things. The "ask and ye shall recieve" bit in the Bible about parents giving bread to their children is a reference to that idea. But God doesn't just give us everything we ask for, only those things we asked for that are "righeous." And I've been told my whole life that to choose a temple marriage is the only possible right choice to make. It seemed to me that wanting to marry Jordan, who couldn't go to the temple at all, wasn't righteous, and that if I prayed and asked God for that, He'd say no. So I hadn't prayed for it. I was too scared of the answer, because then I'd either have to give up Jordan, or live with knowing I'd made a wrong chioce and given up the potential to have something more.

But sitting there, watching my brother get married, and yearning desperately to have that for myself, I finally decided I had to ask. I had to just find out, even though I pretty much expected the answer would be "no." So I directed a little thought towards heaven, and I asked "God, is my wanting to marry Jordan a righeous desire?" And then I just kinda braced myself for the response, or for the total lack of one that probably meant "no" anyhow.

But that's not what I got. I got... mrf... this is really hard to describe. It gets called "burning" a lot, I think because it's definitely warm. It's a feeling in the heart and in the mind as well. It's not euphoric at all, nor manic, in fact just the opposite: it's completely and utterly calm. Peaceful, yet intense. Uplifting without being all "praise the Lord!" It's just pure, distilled joy, is what it is. And it said "yes." I have to say, I started crying. I just about hadn't dared to hope, you know? The Mormon culture tells me that what I wanted wasn't right, but the culture isn't the religion, and the religion tells me to be guided by God on a personal level, and not by other people. And God had said "yes." I still am not sure how things will work out. But I do know that what I wanted, what I still want, is a good thing, and that God will give it to me if I just stay faithful to Him and to myself.

Now, to get back to my original point, let me draw up a side by side comparison here. I'll call what I felt "inspiration" and what the author of that little article felt "euphoria."

Was there a prior expectation of the response?
Euphoria: YES (The author had been told exactly what was going to happen.) Inspiration: NO (Heck no! I'd expected anything but!)

Was there a repetitive situation, action, word, etc, that induced the response?
Euphoria: YES (The author had been asked hudreds of questions, all mostly the same, all answered mostly the same.) Inspiration: NO (I'd just been sitting there, thinking and watching the ceremony.)

Did a second party (human being) assist in causing the response?
Euphoria: YES (The auditor, the trained Scientologist doing this, was trained to bring about exactly such a response.) Inspiration: NO (I hadn't said a word to another human being about this, even in general I'd only discussed it with Jordan, and that comparatively rarely. It was just me inside my own head, and God.)

How was the response described?
Euphoria: As a high. (Direct quote: "a full-on mental blow-out; their hair stands on end, they go bright red and they can feel euphoric for up to two days.") Inspiration: As peaceful. (Here, I'll quote me again! "Completely and utterly calm. Peaceful, yet intense. Uplifting without being all "praise the Lord!"")

So if somebody tells you that you're going to feel great after this, then has you meditate, repeat questions and answers, or otherwise DO something for hours on end, and then you feel high, giddy, and on top of the world, well... draw your own conclusions. But if you're alone in your head, just talking to God, with no special mental state other than "attentive" or perhaps "open minded," and you get a feeling of wonderful peace... Again I'll let you decide for yourself what it is if you feel it, but I happen to regard it as a genunine spiritual experience, and I'm very, very, very glad to have had this one.

Also, a side note on the article linked there. For heaven's sake, if you're going into a religion that won't tell you right up front everything that they believe, and then charges you money to advance you so you can learn more, have a bit of skepticism, people! And before somebody goes "but what about those secret Mormon temple ceremonies?" I shall add that the exact details of what you do in them are, indeed, held sacred and not told to outsiders, but the beliefs and principles taught there are taught to every child, every investigating member, and everybody who sits next to a Mormon on the bus and makes the mistake of bringing up religion! There are no secrets. I could tell you right now every single belief that's put forth in the temple ceremony, and even the general outlines of what's done in the thing itself. There are just a few things that are, well... sacred. And that's as it should be. But sacred and secret aren't quite the same thing. And heck, if you're totally dying to know, I'm sure even the sacred bits are on the internet somewhere if you want to look. May you have much joy in finding them out, pointless as it's going to seem as soon as you do. (They're not particularly sensational. Though I bet there are some faked up sensational ones out there too. As one of my exes used to say about the CTR slogan, "It's for Chickens, Turkeys, and Roosters, the animals we sacrifice in the temples!" And if you believe that, I've got some beachfront property down in southern Utah I can sell you...)