Pure, unadulterated sap.

[bladespark]

It's funny... I've "fallen in love" about four times in my life. *counts* Hrm, five, actually. And each time I thought "this is it!" and each time I realized eventually that it wasn't, save for the last two. Love is hard to spot. It really is. Lust and infatuation have all the qualities that are attributed to love in stories and songs. You get a bit crazy, you can't think of anything else, your life just centers around the object of your devotion. But the real thing is more... subtle than that.

The first time I was "in love" was actually my first real crush. I'd sort of vaguely eyed guys in high school in a "wouldn't it be nice if we dated" sort of way, but I was too into books, and to terminally shy, to even think about actualy chasing a guy. But then my first year in college there was this boy... He was in choir. He was handsome. And he seemed to be willing to give me the time of day. I so thought I was in love! In actuality we went on maybe two dates, and hung about a couple of times, and I eventually discovered that he'd done as much with pretty much every other female in the choir, so that was that. I wasn't heart broken, I was just kinda "eh, that just figures." No guy had ever liked me before, why should this one?

So not love. Nope. Then there was Garrick. (Heee, goes to show that I can't even remember guy one's name. Jared? Jason? J something anyhow.) Garrick was definitely interested in me. This was a first, and kinda shocked me some. And I was quite easily swept off my feet. We dated intensely for a bit, and even mentioned marriage once or twice. I was SO convinced I loved him. I figured out that what's-his-name had been just infatuation, but this was love! But he wasn't perfect, and I felt like I needed to do the mission thing, while he worked out a couple of his own personal troubles, and that if he was still there when I returned we'd take it from there. He wrote me twice, I think, during my whole mission. We both just fell out of it when I left. It had been infatuation again. A bit of compatibility there, so it lasted some, but it didn't get the chance to grow into love. Not even close. We're actually still friends, and he's getting married to some gal this summer. (Note to self, must send card.)

Then we get to guy three. Mike. Also known as siece, a boardie. Post-mission I was a bit more serious about this relationship thing. I wanted to get married! That's what you do. You go serve a mission, and when you get back you get married and start having kids, and that's what I wanted. (Still want, just not as desperately.) He seemed perfect, and I was head over heels for a bit. What I'd felt for what's-his-bucket and Garrick before was mere infatuation, THIS was love! He had almost everything on my little checklist of things I wanted in a guy. Into fantasy, intelligent, good practicing Mormon, etc. But... but he wanted to move things too fast. He didn't understand anything about how I worked. He didn't really know me at all. And the more he pushed to have the wedding NOW, the less I wanted to have it at all. So I called it off and said I wanted to go back to dating, to be more certain before we went through with it. Then he was like "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! We'll push back the date, anything, anything, just marry me!" And I eyed him funny and was all "If you're going to be like that, then forget the dating." And then, of course, he was all "Aieee, no please, okay we'll date then!" But that was the end of it. He stalked me for a while after that, trying to convince me that it was the Will of God that we be together. Bleah. Silly nuisance.

And then number four, Chris, also a boardie. That's still kinda painful, and I'm not going to go into the details, many of you folks know them already, but the thing there is that I did love him some, and that taught me a few things. Here's what I learned. Love grows slowly. Love comes from knowing a person inside and out. A lot of people who think they're in love are merely infatuated at first, but if they suit eachother, and they stay, it grows into love anyhow, so it's all good. But when you "fall ot of love" it means you were never actually in love at all. Love doesn't just come and go. It IS. And when real love turns bad, it doesn't just vanish. Real love can only turn to bitter, negative things like hatred. You can deal with them afterwards, and overcome them, but love isn't just going to poof into nothing, it's going to persist, in one way or another, for a long time. It takes as much time to dismantle as it does to build, if not more. I didn't know whosit at all, and didn't love him. I barely knew Garrick, and didn't love him. I was in love with the idea of Mike, but I didn't really love him, just what he represented. Chris... Chris I l knew pretty well, and I loved him a little bit, and now I can't see him on line, or be around him, or even think of him without hurting. It's less intense now than it used to be, and it doesn't send me into a depressive funk, but... I loved him.

And now, of course, there's JJ. JJ whom I've known as long as I've known anybody in the entire world who isn't family. JJ who knows me better than anybody, even family, knows me. He understands how I tick. And I understand him. Over the years we've grown into each other, grown to suit and fit each other. That's what love is. And sure, it's also being all a-flutter around him, and gazing sappily into his eyes, and watching him sleep and thinking he's adorable. It's all the sappy, twitterpated things you get in love songs. But all the twitterpated nonsense was there when I only thought I was in love too. With the real thing it goes a lot deeper. And it's kind of scary. If somehow JJ ever turned against me and I had to leave him, I think it would destroy me. I love him so much that having that turned around backwards would result in my hating him enough to kill him, or myself, I'm not really sure which. I think sometimes that's what's behind the nasty mess of some abusive situations. When there's real love there, and yet there's something that wrong, it gets all twisted up, and it's so intense that eventually it just... explodes.

I don't really know exactly what point I have here. I was just listening to a sappy song, and it made me think of JJ, and then I kinda laughed, remembering when that exact same song had made me think of Mike. And it's late and I'm bored and I feel like rambling, so there you go.

Comments

[thalass.livejournal.com]

awwwwwwww :P

Everything you said about JJ, is how I feel about Mel. :P

[sharpsight.livejournal.com]

M) *nods*

[kainhighwind-dr.livejournal.com]

Not having had more than one relationship in my life to this point, I was pretty convinced I would never discover this 'love' thing in any genuine sense. The way you describe your growing into one another and feeling the deep yet subtle bond of real love is exactly what I've come to know in A. whom I have lived with now for almost 8 years. It's one of those things that we just sort of fell into; we didn't realise just how close we've become until it was 'too late' to stop it. Not that we'd want to.

It's funny, her and I were just discussing the nature of love/our bond last night (heh, was gonna post about it this morning in fact), as I was distressing over our age difference. When she's gone, I'll be dreadfully alone, and I can't say as I know what I'll do when that happens... or rather, I care not to think about it. It's one of the things I feared, perhaps one reason I never wanted to get attached to people (though there are other reasons). And yet still I can't see myself seeking out any other soul just to avoid that pain. It's an amazing feeling when you find that person you wish to share your entire life and self with, and it would seem a terrible betrayal to break it.

Anyway, nice little read for this morning, thanks for posting it.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it. JJ and I have a rather noticeable age difference as well, but we don't anticipate it being much of a problem. My family is terribly long-lived, and his isn't, so we ought to kick the bucket fairly close together. *grins*

And yeah... we just kinda fell into it gradually too. He was my best friend during the mess with Chris, and one of my closest friends while I was with Mike as well. He was just... there, and eventually I realized that a best friend who is always there for you is more important than some knight in shining armor to sweep you off your feet.

[starkruzr.livejournal.com]

That is a delightfully morbid take on it xD

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Why thank you!

[lin-chan.livejournal.com]

Hey, I married the knight in shining armor. A digit from one of his gauntlets broke and it's been sitting in the back seat of the car for six months. He couldn't sweep me off my feet to save his life, but he's really really cute when he tries. ;)
Anyway, just cuz a guy is in armor doesn't mean he can't make a loyal and affectionate friend too. We can't descriminate. hehee

[sulcharae.livejournal.com]

Mm. Occasionally, i question where Mol and i fall on the line.
Certainly this visit has run its gamut of snuggly sappy kids-in-loveness to just hanging around, doing different stuff, but enjoying just -being together-.
I still wonder. I know how i feel, how i think i feel, and for now, that is enough. ^_^

[cajunfox.livejournal.com]

aww, no crush on me ages ago?
*noses playfully*

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Of course I had a crush on you! But I knew at the time that it was a crush, and didn't think it was true love. It might have gone there if we'd been more compatible, but it was pretty obvious we weren't, I think. *smiles*