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bladesparkHere are just a few tips about how to have a rewarding conversational experience. These are mostly gleaned by recalling past conversations that have made me want to never speak to that person again, so it's mostly a list of don'ts.
1. Do not start with negative stuff.
First impressions are lasting. If the first thing I hear from you after "hello" is "My life sucks" my first impression of you is going to be that you're a sucky guy. Get at least far enough to know a little bit about who you're talking to before launching your litany of woe. In fact here, this deserves another point all its own.
2. Do not go to the negative stuff until you know the other person well.
This one is slightly more variable, particularly if we have things in common, but really, you gripe and complain to your friends, not to strangers you have just recently met. Unless you find we both have a gripe in common, such as hating geting IMed by random horny furries, don't do more than mention your woes in passing until you know the other person very well.
3. Don't even mention the sex in the first conversation. Seriously, don't. Not even in an "I'm kidding, I'm not hitting on you, I just want to joke about how I might hit on you if I was going to hit on you but I'm not" way, because that right there screams "I AM hitting on you, but I am too insecure to just go ahead and do it already." Even if the person you are speaking with is hot, and you really like them, you do not want to even bring up the topic, not even with a little innuendo until after they've formed their initial impressions of you, otherwise the odds are good that this initial impression is going to include "sex-crazed." And if you hit on them, and they turn you down, for heaven's sake DON'T bring it up again!
4. Talk about them, as well as about you.
It's fine to say some stuff about you and your interests. A new friends needs to get to know you, after all. But you need to get to know them as well. It is polite to ask "and you?" after telling them something about yourself. "Oh yes, I'm going to school right now. Studying chemistry, which I really love. And you?" You do not go on for pages and pages and pages worth of stuff about you, and never ask about them. That is not a way to have a good conversation.
5. "I don't watch TV/go to conventions/enjoy rock music/etc." is NOT an invitation to enlighten them about what they're missing. It means they're not interested. If you really love the subject that they have just indicated non-interest in it is acceptable to say a few brief things about why you like it, but it is not acceptable to go on and on and on about it. They have just told you they don't like it! Conversation is about finding things in common which you can discuss. Or occasionally about comparing differences. But if they have never seen an episode of House, telling them all about why so and so in your favorite character is going to bore them to tears. They don't watch the show, they have no idea what you're talking about, and they're not interested. So just stop already. (Yes, somebody is doing this to me right now. I'm trying to figure out a polite way to say that I really couldn't care less about the wacky old man on his favorite reality TV show.)
6. If you initiated the encounter, it is up to you to carry the conversation at first. I don't know you from Adam, and you have messaged me and said "Hi." I said "Hi" back, so it's all up to you. I am not the one who wanted to talk to you, you wanted to talk to me. It is now up to you to come up with a topic of conversation, and converse on it.
7. This is probably specific to me, but for the love of small furry things, if you have messaged me about business, and we had a nice conversation about fursuits, this does not make me your friend. I have become friends with customers, but that was after a long time spent chatting about both business and non-business topics. Until you actually know something about me besides my line of work, we are not friends. Don't assume freindship exists when it doesn't.
Now I will be the first to admit I occasionally break these rules. This is because I don't always care about having a rewarding conversational experience. But if you want somebody to want to talk to you a second time, you might want to keep some of these things in mind.
And I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but ah well.
1. Do not start with negative stuff.
First impressions are lasting. If the first thing I hear from you after "hello" is "My life sucks" my first impression of you is going to be that you're a sucky guy. Get at least far enough to know a little bit about who you're talking to before launching your litany of woe. In fact here, this deserves another point all its own.
2. Do not go to the negative stuff until you know the other person well.
This one is slightly more variable, particularly if we have things in common, but really, you gripe and complain to your friends, not to strangers you have just recently met. Unless you find we both have a gripe in common, such as hating geting IMed by random horny furries, don't do more than mention your woes in passing until you know the other person very well.
3. Don't even mention the sex in the first conversation. Seriously, don't. Not even in an "I'm kidding, I'm not hitting on you, I just want to joke about how I might hit on you if I was going to hit on you but I'm not" way, because that right there screams "I AM hitting on you, but I am too insecure to just go ahead and do it already." Even if the person you are speaking with is hot, and you really like them, you do not want to even bring up the topic, not even with a little innuendo until after they've formed their initial impressions of you, otherwise the odds are good that this initial impression is going to include "sex-crazed." And if you hit on them, and they turn you down, for heaven's sake DON'T bring it up again!
4. Talk about them, as well as about you.
It's fine to say some stuff about you and your interests. A new friends needs to get to know you, after all. But you need to get to know them as well. It is polite to ask "and you?" after telling them something about yourself. "Oh yes, I'm going to school right now. Studying chemistry, which I really love. And you?" You do not go on for pages and pages and pages worth of stuff about you, and never ask about them. That is not a way to have a good conversation.
5. "I don't watch TV/go to conventions/enjoy rock music/etc." is NOT an invitation to enlighten them about what they're missing. It means they're not interested. If you really love the subject that they have just indicated non-interest in it is acceptable to say a few brief things about why you like it, but it is not acceptable to go on and on and on about it. They have just told you they don't like it! Conversation is about finding things in common which you can discuss. Or occasionally about comparing differences. But if they have never seen an episode of House, telling them all about why so and so in your favorite character is going to bore them to tears. They don't watch the show, they have no idea what you're talking about, and they're not interested. So just stop already. (Yes, somebody is doing this to me right now. I'm trying to figure out a polite way to say that I really couldn't care less about the wacky old man on his favorite reality TV show.)
6. If you initiated the encounter, it is up to you to carry the conversation at first. I don't know you from Adam, and you have messaged me and said "Hi." I said "Hi" back, so it's all up to you. I am not the one who wanted to talk to you, you wanted to talk to me. It is now up to you to come up with a topic of conversation, and converse on it.
7. This is probably specific to me, but for the love of small furry things, if you have messaged me about business, and we had a nice conversation about fursuits, this does not make me your friend. I have become friends with customers, but that was after a long time spent chatting about both business and non-business topics. Until you actually know something about me besides my line of work, we are not friends. Don't assume freindship exists when it doesn't.
Now I will be the first to admit I occasionally break these rules. This is because I don't always care about having a rewarding conversational experience. But if you want somebody to want to talk to you a second time, you might want to keep some of these things in mind.
And I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but ah well.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-25 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-25 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-25 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2007-08-25 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-25 09:25 pm (UTC)request
Date: 2007-08-26 01:34 am (UTC)I always get these RANDOM-ass IM's from someone who's like "hi jessi (my real name)" which is not the name i pass around much online then I have to play 20 questions to figure out who the hell they are... half the time THEY don't know ME either and just have me on a friendlist... sigh...
oh yeah and
THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!>>>>> 4. Talk about them, as well as about you!!!!!
OMG, people don't get this one very well. It isn't that hard. I would argue that talking about yourself all the time isn't even a conversation, much less a good one. It's ego stroking. I just stop talking back when it gets to this point... :P
anyways, thanks for making my day, these are very good -and humorous!
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 07:17 am (UTC)I find that it's so easy to agree and reply with a related experience. It keeps the conversation flowing smoothly.
I never change the subject when someone's telling a story, either... P:
I suppose I haven't really talked to anyone who was meek, though. That probably makes a difference. Most people chat like I do...
I wonder if I'm an annoying chat partner... :(
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-27 01:23 am (UTC)That actually means a lot to me. :3
lol!
Date: 2007-08-26 11:00 pm (UTC)Re: lol!
Date: 2007-08-27 01:19 am (UTC)Actually, that just happened to me yesterday. :P Some guy started making obscure references to his playful genitals. Oh my.
I totally pretended I had no idea what he was talking about and just played dumb. It worked lol.
I'mma +friend you now, m'kay? :3
Re: lol!
Date: 2007-08-27 05:49 am (UTC)wow. play genitals... um, yeah... best solution I guess, wierd.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 05:55 pm (UTC)