A couple of thoughts about my previous post.

[bladespark]

Just some random, stream of consciousness thinking about the dragon girl story.

Why do I like it so much? It's not really because I want to have wings and breathe fire. I did want that very badly during a certain period of my life. During, in fact, the period of my life when I was socially inept, convinced I was ugly, and lonely. I was in high school at the time, and I was a social outcast. Which is funny, really, because my peers were nice people, and they meant well, but they were unable to just like me the way I was. For example, my freshman year there was a girl, the same age as I, who needed to do some form of community service for some program or other. And decided to do a "self improvement" program for the shy, asocial students who needed help. So I ended up, with a very odd albino girl and a girl who was slightly mentally handicapped, taking lessons in not being shy from this person.

This did not "improve" me any, and it didn't make me feel particularly happy either. It told me that I was a social reject. It told me that other people didn't like me the way I was.

And this was to be the pattern for the next four years of my life. My peers were seldom, if ever, cruel or exclusionary, but I was their project, their object of pity, their person to love and be Christlike by loving everybody. They didn't love me for myself. Even my parents, who did love me regardless, constantly gave me little signals of "you're not good enough as you are." My mother got me braces, and contacts, so I could be beautiful. She took me to dermatologists so I could have beautiful skin. And I know she meant well, just like that girl freshman year meant well, but all I heard was "You're not good enough the way you are."

Now I don't want people to take this the wrong way. I was told from a very young age that I was a Divine Child of God, with the potential to one day "grow up" into a goddess. I knew I was worth something in the long scheme of things. But I also knew, at that point in my life, that I would never be liked by anybody in the short term. I can't imagine how crushing the thought that I would never be liked in this life would have been had I not had the previous assurance of worth and welcome in the life to come. As it was, I was a little bit mopey, and wanted to escape, to be someone, something else. That's why I read books constanly, because in the world of books I was free from this world, where I didn't belong, and where I wasn't good enough on my own.

I didn't want to have to do all these things, to wear the clothes and the contacts and the makeup that would make people like me. I wanted to be liked for me. And being the contrary sort that I am (and also being a little lazy) I refused to look stylish, and continued to just look like myself.

When I was somewhat older, my younger brother pulled me aside. I was, at that time, considered to be a little bit old to still be single and boyfriendless, so he advised me that I needed to change a bit if I was going to catch a man. As a male, and as a person who was very popular in school and had plenty of dates, he felt he could advise me on how to become popular and get dates. But his advice amounted to changing who I was. Not changing to be a better person, but changing to be more attractive to others. And I refused. I told him I couldn't, and wouldn't. I would only take a man who could like me for me.

Luckily enough I found one.

But I think this is why the story of the dragon girl has such a huge draw for me. And for others as well, I suspect. We are told, over and over and over, that we must wear the right clothes, or read the right books, go to the right parties, have the right figure, do all the right things in order to be accepted by others. And even more, we're told that we can't suceed, we can't be happy, if we don't chose the right carreer, marry the right person, have the right number of children, go to the right church, be in the right party, and so on and so on, ad nauseum. But just because somebody tells you that you should wear makeup, or major in accounting, or become a teacher, or whatever other thing they're telling you, that doesn't mean it really will make you happy. Too many of us know what we really want, what our "wings and fire" are, but we believe the people who say these things are impractical, unacceptable, or unfashionable, and so we try and fit in where we don't really belong, and endlessly attempt to fine tune our wrong solution to happyness, when what we really want is to be an artist, or to join the peace corps, or move to Europe, or whatever other mad scheme is our true desire.

Are you going after your wings and fire, or are you letting somebody give you potions?

Comments

[crystallinegirl.livejournal.com]

Hm. Interestingly enough, I had a period in high school where I, also, was asocial, and wanted to be a dragon. (I have a rather large number of poems beginning with "I am the Dragon Crystal". Sometimes those poems referred to a dragon named Crystal, sometimes they referred to a gem known as the dragon crystal, and sometimes they referred to a dragon who was in herself the dragon crystal and a pivotal character in dragon society/mythology.)

I was also convinced I was ugly, and I was lonely. I never actually felt beautiful until I met Alex. I think, actually, that he IS my wings and fire. *chuckle* I never really dreamt of being this, or doing that - what I wanted, what I ALWAYS wanted - was to love someone who loved me back. Which sounds a little pathetic when I look back on it, but.....well that's what I wanted. I was raised to believe in true love. *shrug*

[xianghua.livejournal.com]

I *heart* you. :) You're much more eloquent than I am.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Heh. Only sometimes.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

It gets even more coincidental, because before I liked dragons, I was mad about unicorns, and I wanted to change my name to Crystal, and named one of my unicorn toys Crystal, and had a poster, that I thought was the unicorn Crystal, that I wanted to be, or that I wanted to meet, or see. I was always day dreaming about how I would see a real unicorn, or how I would become one. That was when I was in elementary school.

I wonder if there's something fundamental about the name Crystal, because both of my younger sisters, in different contexts, and without any of us having mentioned it to the others, decided they wanted to change their names to Crystal.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

I wanted to be Crystal as a child too. I think it's the allure of the exotic, the beautiful, of being symbolically a jewel.

I was an outcast through most of high school. I think part of what kept me going was that nobody could take away what was inside my head. When life was miserable, there were other places I could be.

[crystallinegirl.livejournal.com]

You know, I was never all that crazy about unicorns. And while I like my name, I've never ever met another Crystal that I actually liked. They're all bitches. Or ditzes. Or sluts. Heh. Or they spell it horribly, like Cristal, or Christal, or Chrystle. Kristal. Hate all of those. Spell it like it's supposed to be spelled - like the damn rock!!

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Ugh. I hate misspelling names. I don't care if you think it's cute, you're spelling it wrong.

[silveradept]

A very eloquent piece. I'm still chasing wings and fire, I think, but I, like you, got past the dangerous places where it seems there's nobody who will like you for who you are, and there's no apparent end in sight.

[moltare.livejournal.com]

The metacharacter of Moltare is, if nothing else, a horrible Gary-Stu. ¬¬ Not so much the armour and living in a different world, 'cos I rather like being who I am; more that I wish I could use my sarky for Good too...

[emirasan.livejournal.com]

I too was asocial in Jr high/high school, when the kids began thinking fitting in was all that mattered. The only time it bothered me was if someone else became particularly aggressive toward me for no other reason than because I didn't wear the right clothes, makeup, date...etc. Other than that I couldn't care less about most of them as I had one true friend who liked me regardless of my quirks and that was all I needed.

I suppose I am lucky. My mother was never pushy about me improving my outer appearance. She was always of the suggesting position and if I didn't want to do it, we would discuss the why and it would be left at that.

No one who ever mattered in my life has ever tried to discourage me from pursuing my "wings and fire" of becoming a professional artist, and no one who matters in my life ever will.

[wolfmare.livejournal.com]

I dunno... My parents mispelled my middle name, so I'm stuck with it, but it's the only thing to give my real name any character at all. Let's just say, even if I gave my full name online, you'd be lucky to actually find *me* because every part of my name is so common.

[wolfmare.livejournal.com]

Gods I know the feeling. My parents constantly pushed me toward things I didn't care about, namely math and science and looking/acting 'girly' and all that other stuff. And the more someone pushes me toward something I don't want, the more I push back. I guess my 'wings and fire' is art, music, and animals. I sing, I paint, and once we have a suitable place: training service dogs.

It hurts though, trying so hard to fit in that you push yourself further and further into misery. I've gone through that almost everywhere I've ever been, my whole life. I think I'm happier now then I've ever been, with someone who's happy to let me fly :)

[kainhighwind-dr.livejournal.com]

Well, up until I was about, oh, 23 years of age I was choosing not to pursue my wings and fire. I suffered the same misery as many others who choose instead to chase after something that others insist should make them happy. Instead I discovered that it was what would make THEM happy, and since that revelation (and with a little more bravery on my part) I decided to take that leap into the unknown and pursue my true desires. True happiness, indeed.

I had a ton of pressure from my mother (still do...) in regards to making me prettier, more acceptable, etc. Just hearing how your mother wanted you to wear contacts not just to have better eyesight, but to look prettier than with glasses, gets my ire up.

Heh, my mother is currently arranging to have breast reduction performed to relieve back pain; which is fine, but sadly, she's decided she needs to add on a tummy tuck while she's at it (two for one sale mentality?). I just wish she'd keep her body image obsession to herself, rather than impose it on everyone else. She can do what she wants to herself so long as she doesn't make others feel they have to obsess as well...

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if body image issues didn't tend to be contagious, I'd be a lot less annoyed at most of the obsessive sorts who go nuts trying to look like models.

[firebyrd.livejournal.com]

Wow. I had some of the exact same things happen, though it was my dad who told me I should be stylish and wear makeup if I wanted boys to like me.

[bladespark.livejournal.com]

I think it's something that's not too terribly uncommon. Parents want their children to succeed. They just don't always stop and thing about the messages they're sending as they try and push their kids into success.